the kid, he loves me like no other. it is a beauty I can only hope to fully appreciate. (I love that he falls asleep holding my hand like this)
on occasion, i think of a specific period of time in my life, and i’m reminded of a song from that era. i do this intentionally sometimes, just to see what i can recall. this particular song reminds me of the fall of 2011, when i lived on Wolcott in Chicago for the 2nd time and this song was in the REI commercials that aired every time i tried to watch Hulu. my tiny, SD-card-shaped bedroom in WP/UV, across from the school, around the corner from Innertown, a couple blocks from the Division blue line. the thrift store where i bought my favorite fall jacket, the bakery with the cinnamon rolls that had my boss giving me petty cash to pick them up so as to boost morale, the stoop where i found the tulip, the drafty view of the Hancock from our shabby wood-framed picture window after the leaves had fallen. there are so many things i miss about Chicago, but i think they are best left on the shelf with the first love that never worked out despite repeated attempts. after all, for me, they are virtually synonymous.
that’s how i always want to be remembered by people. in that hazy, soft-focus, background-muted way. full of sunglare and laughing in what seems like slow-motion.
Roark Bluff Overlook on Flickr.
I took this shot on the edge of the 200 foot tall Roark Bluff overlooking the Buffalo River at Steel Creek Campgrounds in Northwest Arkansas.
What a stunning shot!
you guys, you like to mock arkansas, but i just may very well be from one of the MOST beautiful places in ALL of southern america*. maybe all of america, but i haven’t been that far yet.
Arkansas (and especially NW Arkansas) is easily the most gorgeous state i’ve ever visited (and i’ve seen 19 at least by now). I hate the narrow-minded background from which i sprang, but i also hate that non-Arkansans refuse to consider that anyone in Arkansas could be a good, worthwhile, INTELLIGENT person capable of making their own decisions.
*southern NORTH America
you are a person who is out there right now. you already exist. you may already be in love with him, or maybe you just will be someday. you will certainly have a million doubts, questions, fears about your love for him. he will thrill and terrify and torment and treat and titillate you, sometimes alternating, sometimes all at once. you will be up and down and inside out and still unsure whether or not this is a ride you even enjoy. the end will constantly be imminent and simultaneously an abstract idea. you know it can’t possibly last, just as much as you know it is meant to be forever. you will hate yourself for your confusion and convince yourself that there is something wrong with you or it would be so much easier for him to choose a level on the scale of “giving a fuck about” when it comes to you. you’ll agonize and hate yourself for 15 minutes, then get angry and conclude he must be a fool and how did you not see that already and also, you deserve so much better? yeah, every defensive declarative statement punctuated with a question mark instead. you suddenly realize that you doubt yourself more than ever, but he’s never said an unkind word to you. he’s never told you, even indirectly, that your instincts can’t be trusted. he just doesn’t follow any logical progression you can create in your mind and it wears at your sanity. when you doubt the one person you’ve known best (yourself), it calls into question all of your trust for anyone else you have ever known. you ask yourself if you were missing something with this or that random person; whether or not you were duped all along and now this LOVE is the only thing to snap you out of a lifelong delusion. you’re never quite sure.
i really want to tell you is that if you love him, you’re going to need to be strong enough to stay, but also strong enough to know when to leave. contradiction, you think, but there’s only so much anyone can do for any other person. the best way for someone to realize what they really want is to have it taken away.
i want to tell you to take care of yourself first. save yourself if you still can. and if you can’t, just know that fighting your way to the other side will remind you that you used to have self-control and that you were astonishingly happier then (while still unhappy) than you are now. i’ll see you on the other side. i know you’ll get out, too.
I used to have an original print of this and it was my favorite. Yet another thing lost to time.
Dan McCarthy. Let It Be. Acrylic on board, 24 x 16”.
so somebody writes a book for you,
falls in love again over and over
and you shiver, you turn your shoulder
somebody’s making you older and older
occasionally, good things do happen to me. they’re so few and far between that they seem extra great when they come along. something i’ve really needed happened today and i am beyond ecstatic. still a long way to go, though, so lots of work to be done for the next few days and beyond.
in other news, all this stress i’ve been under lately has caused my totally batshit crazy side to resurface at all the wrong times and i think i may have permanently fucked everything up with a certain friend. if life doesn’t make you insane, love certainly will. i really wish he could understand how much he means to me and how desperately i want him in my life. maybe then he could be more forgiving of my freakouts. i just really want some attention from him and when i need him to be my friend most, he’s never available. i know, logically, i should just cut my losses and call it done, but there’s too much history and too much of a pull. i can’t forget how we used to be or how he was my best friend. i can’t make myself believe that guy isn’t still in there somewhere. i miss him so much it sometimes feels like he’s dead.
okay, back to the trying to be positive. time to get ready to go meet up with someone. i’ll just keep repeating to myself, “Soon you will have everything you could ever want. Keep trying.” fingers crossed, y’all.
i can have just enough of each that when i do something as simple as brushing my hair out of my face or applying lotion to my hands just feels almost as comforting as having someone i love gently caressing my skin. plus, the xanax is prescribed (to me), so i don’t even have to go seeking it illegally. if not for the passing out early and unexpectedly, it would be the most pleasant, legal sensation i could get all on my own.
my heart doesn’t know; it still hasn’t learned to break like it should
if i’m gonna lay down, i’m gonna lay down alone
(RIP Luke Hunsicker)